Do you ever get to the point that you just want to take a break... from everyone and everything? I'm talking giving up from maintaining schedules, maintaining the house, maintaining the people in the house, maintaining your job, your appearance, your attitude... It is absolutely 100% exhausting.
Every single day I have to play mediator between hubby and Drew. They do NOT get along. Sadly to say, most of the time anymore, it's due to hubby's attitude toward Drew. He treats him horribly... always making fun of him and making hateful statements about him, or picking ridiculous arguments with him. It's STUPID! And most of the time I really have a hard time deciphering which person is the adult, and which person is the child.
Tonight was no different. Hubby ran into Drew out of nowhere with the shopping cart. He played it off that he was "joking" (as I also tried to, too), but I saw the look on hubby's face as he ran the cart into Drew. It wasn't done in a joking manner. Drew raised his voice and spouted off some hateful comments to hubby, and hubby did the same. So, the boys and I ditched hubby and went off in other areas of the store to look at various things. Tried to avoid a scene as much as possible. Those kinds of situations are just absolutely ridiculous.
I'm sure I defend Drew way too much. But with the hate and hostility that radiates off of hubby toward him, there's no way I'm going to let Drew think I feel the same way. And the truth is that Drew IS a good kid, for the most part. He's a typical teenager and has attitude issues... we all did. But, c'mon... You have to pick your battles. Trying to reason with a teenager is the equivalent of trying to train the dog to sort laundry. (Wait... can dogs actually do that??? I'll have to look into that.)
Mediating between these two is reaaaaaaaally wearing on me. And it's wearing on our marriage, whether he chooses to admit it or not. My boys are my everything and it's tearing me up having to protect them from a person that's supposed to be nurturing them and building them UP... not down.
Work is also wearing me out. Today I really tried harder to ENJOY work rather than dislike being there. I tried to reorganize to make things feel fresh and new again. If there was some way to move my desk around, I would. The same ol' thing every stinking day is just getting really old. And the same ol' lack of management in that office is old, too. THAT, above everything else, stresses me out the most. The crappy morale in our office wears me down, too. I used to love going to work everyday and now I find it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. It's a shame, because I actually enjoy the work that I do.
Lately I've been questioning myself a lot. The decisions I make, the words I speak, the way I dress, the way I parent, the way I talk with my boys about God... I second guess it all. If I say something and someone else doesn't agree with it, I wonder if I actually truly felt that way to begin with or if I actually feel how that other person feels. Do you have any idea how flippin' exhausting it is to question every single thing about your own life? To feel like you almost don't even know which way is up. To wonder if how you feel about something is really how you feel about it. To question your intentions behind certain actions... things such as picking out a candy bar or even going to church.
And I feel like I try so hard to get people to listen to me, and my efforts are lost. I feel like the things I say aren't taken seriously, which could be a big reason as to why I've been questioning myself. Probably, anyway. I don't know.
I don't know what my problem is. I really truly feel mentally drained. At this point, sleeping for an entire day probably wouldn't even help, nor would stepping away and taking a few hours for myself. The same issues will be waiting for me when I wake up or get back.
E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G ! ! ! ! ! ! (Maybe that's why I cry at church every stinking week... Maybe some of that "baggage" is let free and lifted from my shoulders.) Ugh. I'm crying now... AGAIN. (This crying crap HAS to stop! PB was right... I am a wuss! SO embarrassing!)
In all seriousness, I am worn. the. hell. out.
Every single day I have to play mediator between hubby and Drew. They do NOT get along. Sadly to say, most of the time anymore, it's due to hubby's attitude toward Drew. He treats him horribly... always making fun of him and making hateful statements about him, or picking ridiculous arguments with him. It's STUPID! And most of the time I really have a hard time deciphering which person is the adult, and which person is the child.
Tonight was no different. Hubby ran into Drew out of nowhere with the shopping cart. He played it off that he was "joking" (as I also tried to, too), but I saw the look on hubby's face as he ran the cart into Drew. It wasn't done in a joking manner. Drew raised his voice and spouted off some hateful comments to hubby, and hubby did the same. So, the boys and I ditched hubby and went off in other areas of the store to look at various things. Tried to avoid a scene as much as possible. Those kinds of situations are just absolutely ridiculous.
I'm sure I defend Drew way too much. But with the hate and hostility that radiates off of hubby toward him, there's no way I'm going to let Drew think I feel the same way. And the truth is that Drew IS a good kid, for the most part. He's a typical teenager and has attitude issues... we all did. But, c'mon... You have to pick your battles. Trying to reason with a teenager is the equivalent of trying to train the dog to sort laundry. (Wait... can dogs actually do that??? I'll have to look into that.)
Mediating between these two is reaaaaaaaally wearing on me. And it's wearing on our marriage, whether he chooses to admit it or not. My boys are my everything and it's tearing me up having to protect them from a person that's supposed to be nurturing them and building them UP... not down.
Work is also wearing me out. Today I really tried harder to ENJOY work rather than dislike being there. I tried to reorganize to make things feel fresh and new again. If there was some way to move my desk around, I would. The same ol' thing every stinking day is just getting really old. And the same ol' lack of management in that office is old, too. THAT, above everything else, stresses me out the most. The crappy morale in our office wears me down, too. I used to love going to work everyday and now I find it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. It's a shame, because I actually enjoy the work that I do.
Lately I've been questioning myself a lot. The decisions I make, the words I speak, the way I dress, the way I parent, the way I talk with my boys about God... I second guess it all. If I say something and someone else doesn't agree with it, I wonder if I actually truly felt that way to begin with or if I actually feel how that other person feels. Do you have any idea how flippin' exhausting it is to question every single thing about your own life? To feel like you almost don't even know which way is up. To wonder if how you feel about something is really how you feel about it. To question your intentions behind certain actions... things such as picking out a candy bar or even going to church.
And I feel like I try so hard to get people to listen to me, and my efforts are lost. I feel like the things I say aren't taken seriously, which could be a big reason as to why I've been questioning myself. Probably, anyway. I don't know.
I don't know what my problem is. I really truly feel mentally drained. At this point, sleeping for an entire day probably wouldn't even help, nor would stepping away and taking a few hours for myself. The same issues will be waiting for me when I wake up or get back.
E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G ! ! ! ! ! ! (Maybe that's why I cry at church every stinking week... Maybe some of that "baggage" is let free and lifted from my shoulders.) Ugh. I'm crying now... AGAIN. (This crying crap HAS to stop! PB was right... I am a wuss! SO embarrassing!)
In all seriousness, I am worn. the. hell. out.
